Points To Ponder – If I Could Be Something Else – Part I

Practicing Use of the Second Conditional in English

Life, whatever that means, is full of various things and forms – from spirit beings to physical beings, down to plants and animals to man-made things and so forth.

What is absorbing in all this is that in some instances, one form of life wants to take on a completely different form, or a thing in life wants to be a completely different thing in life. For instance, I have seen dogs, which should move on four legs, trying to move only on their hind legs. Similarly, there are instances where some males behave as if they were females, even to the extent where they practice almost everything that is biologically and conventionally female’s. Also, we see female kids playing mothers and wives, male kids playing husbands and dads, so on and so forth.

Another interesting scenario is recorded in Genesis 6:1-2 where some angels (sons of God) changed to human beings – males – just to take as wives the beautiful girls in those days. Can you imagine this? Open your Bible and read it – it’s there.

There is also the phenomenon of transmogrification. In Liberia, for example, there are stories and, in some instances, evidence of people transmogrifying into various animals – an elephant, a leopard, groundhog, etc. – and back to their human form. 

While it is true that most of us don’t actually become a different thing or form, we do sometimes imagine being so. Sometimes, individually, we ask, “What would it be like, if I were this or that?” Not only that. There are reasons for imagining being something else. The reasons might be serious, hilarious, and so forth, but the fact remains that there are reasons.

While sitting on a huge piece of rock on the Bernard’s Beach on President Tubman’s Birthday on November 29, I imagined being various things. In the proceeding part of this article, I will share with you, the readers, the various things that I imagined being, and why I imagined being them. I will express my thoughts using the second-conditional format, which is a special topic in the study of English Grammar. Here we go …

1. Insect – Mosquito

If I were to be an insect, I would be a mosquito because I would be famous for being that tiny insect that causes a preventable disease that the world is not willing and ready to prevent, thereby, enabling me to kill millions of people each year.

2. Car – Ambulance

If I were to be a car, I would be an ambulance because almost all cars would stop to give me way, and I wouldn’t have to obey traffic rules and lights and face crazy police charges.

3. Doctor – Gynecologist

If I were to be a doctor, I would be a gynecologist because, almost on a daily basis, I would be able to … (At this point, I sneezed, causing me to forget the ending ideas. Forgive me, my people.)

4. Wing Animal – A Migrating Bird

If I were to be a wing animal, I would be a migrating bird because I would be able to fly back to Europe and back to Africa freely every time I wanted to, without having to go through annoying and racial European immigration policies and restrictions. Besides, I wouldn’t have to pay almost US$2,000 to SN Brussels for a three-month or sixth-month plane ticket to Liberia.

5. Body parts – Lips and a Lady’s buttocks

If I were to be two body parts, I would be lips and a woman’s buttocks. I would like to be lips because I would be kissed by both men and women, as well as the young and the old. And I would like to be a woman’s buttocks because almost all men would go crazy and swallow spit upon seeing me. Besides, squeezing me would bring them great pleasure.

6. Kitchen Utensil – Knife

If I were to be a kitchen utensil, I would be a knife because I would be used to cut things to be cooked or be eaten and, at the same time, I would, at times, cut those who use me to cut other things.

7. Vegetable – Onion

If I were to be a vegetable, I would be an onion because I would give sudden headache to, and take hot tears from the eyes of, those who choose to split me, or tear me apart.

8. Lower-class Spirit Being – Satan

If I were to be a lower-class spirit being, I would be Satan because I would be famous for being the only creature brave enough to attempt to overthrow God, the Creator of the universe. Da small thing?

9. Clothing – Brassiere

If I were to be a piece of clothing, I would be a bra because I would be able to enjoy the nipple, weight and the smooth surface of almost all the breasts in the world. Da na bene seed popping from my mou’h.

10. Book – Bible

If I were to be a book, I would be the Bible because I would be the most widely read book in the world.

11. Verse in the Bible – John 2:15

If I were to be a verse in the Bible, I would like to be John 2:15 because I would be the verse that shows that Jesus Christ practiced karate, at least once in his life time.

12. Finger – Middle Finger

If I were to be a finger, I would be the middle finger because I would instantly annoy people by showing myself to them, especially my back.

13. Country – the United States of America

If I were to be a country, I would be the United States of America because I would, at the same time, be the most hated and most loved country in the world.

14. Tradesman – Tailor

If I were to be a tradesman, I would be a tailor because I would have the opportunity to hold and play with the breasts, butt and thighs of all ladies, while pretending to be taking their measurement before sewing their clothes. Da small thing de tailor them can do?

15. Room – Bathroom

If I were to be a room in the house, I would be the bathroom because I would have the opportunity to see many interesting things, including secret things.

16. Body Fluid – Spit

If I were to be a body fluid, I would be spit because I would be a controversial thing. For instance, I would annoy anyone at whom I am thrown but, at the same time, those in love would lick and swallow me as if I were an extraordinarily flavored candy.

So, folks, these were some of the things I imagined being, along with the reasons why I would like to be them. Now, it’s your turn to tell me what you would like to be, and why. They could be any of the categories (country, room, bird, body part, etc.) mentioned in this article, or something completely different. Are you ready?

Seriously, my people, aren’t these points to ponder?

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