Lord, I want To Be President Too (Pt. 1)

Dear Father,

Huh, the way I looking at things, I think I coming to declare my intention too oo. Declare your intention for what now, my son? Father to become president too now. You’re joking!

But wait oo, Father, if all these hustlers from Uncle Sam’s village are coming here and declaring their intentions for this and that, why not me too, one of the men who have been on the ground for the last six years, why I can’t declare my intention too? At least, my papy Tipo has resigned-because until then he was the only man on the ground but since he resigned the last time that makes me the only old hand on the ground now.

But why the presidency and not the Traditional Council? Oh, Father, you see, there are plenty little girls and boys some of whom still need parental cares fighting to unseat the very incumbents at the Traditional Council. So, I don’t want to join those children in fighting to unseat incumbents. I want to join the real men’s fight and that’s the presidency.

Look, Father, haven’t you heard how one little girl who still does not know her left from right, even her own relationship sef, her mother is still jumping inside and telling her what to do and what not to do, has also come to contest for the Traditional Council?

The woman can’t even make correct decision about her own relationship and even clothes to wear, da that kind of person fighting to go to the Traditional Council, I must come hurt my head on.

And the person she fighting to remove sef, ehn you know the Old Oil man? Who? Aye mehn, I’m talking about the pekin, not the Old Lady owner Old Oil man. Okay, uh huh. Yes, dat the man she is trying to compete against. She should not fight to go back to school or to her ma and learn how to cook and wash.

And besides you see, for the presidency, even though we also get plenty hustlers in the race and others who think that if they don’t become president they will die, I have a better chance there because everybody in that pool or race for the presidency  is afraid of me.  Some from the time they heard that I was thinking of declaring my intention have been coming under the cover of darkness to beg me to stay off.

And you know something about the presidency, whether you lied to people and gave yourself all kinds of false titles oo, once you can sell you lies to get some funny people following you everywhere, you are judged as a serious contender mehn. And the way all the Town Criers know me, I have become a potential threat to all mehn.

Do you mean even if those people following you are conned artists, like they are doing to the self proclaimed new savior on the bloc? Oh, Father, people will worship you. Look, just change Uncle Sam’s money 100 to five, five bills of our village money, anywhere you pass; you just drop few notes, with big promise to put students on scholarships, mehn you are in business. How long to lie to people in this village, I mean they can believe anything that comes in trouser or skirt.

And let me say this Father, you see, the way I can talk plenty and shout, most of the people in the presidential race will come to form merger with me.

But you know any merger is not for free ehn. Me, I na the Old Lady who can allow people to join her party free. Me I get the entire country behind me supporting my candidacy and I am the only person the Old Lady fear right now, so that makes my merger fees a bit higher than that of the footballer and other people round here.

And I heard the Old lady even wants to bribe me to run as my vice, but I have been thinking that if I accept her as my vice, the other Old man sitting as chechepuley or spy at the Traditional Council there will not get nowhere to go, so that’s the reason why I have advised her to remain in the race and compete with me. You know Father, that’s the only way I will get my money’s run.

But one think, I have promised the Old Lady if I win is that I will make her my chief adviser because I will like to continue all of her programs and attribute them to me.

And if you don’t win? Father, the thing is by declaring my intention alone makes me a big contender. Look, here is the secret, you think why those hustlers running away from Uncle Sam’s village to come and contest for the presidency too?

Father, it is simple. If it happens that we have to go for second round and that is only if, and I come like third place, I will bargain with whosoever wants me to join them and I will tell that person unless you agree that when you win, we will share your power.

And Father, I will say I want the defense ministry, finance, central bank and commerce. Father please don’t ask me why, because I don’t even know what I will do with them myself.

To be continued